Ch-ch-ch-changes

My wife and I had a heart to heart recently. It was one of those conversations where someone puts the metaphorical mirror in front of you and says look at...no really look at it. I have way more issues that go beyond my food addiction or maybe these issues are the reason I have a food addiction. So I see a shrink now to work on these outside issues and maybe get to what I believe is the core issue (food). It's been two sessions and I don't think I particularly like this guy. 1) He talks too much. I spend most of the session listening to him reminisce about his past and his accomplishments. 2) I don't know how comfortable I feel (this is going to come off sounding totally sexist and ageist) talking to an old black man about my issues. I feel like he won't understand.

I may be picky when it comes to therapists because I had a therapist in college that was sooooooo awesome. I wouldn't have made through my freshman year had it not been for her. Since then I've had one other therapist and she kept mixing me up with another client. That got old after a few meetings. But this guy...I can already tell it's not gonna work. I feel like to truly get to the bottom of my issues and figure the whys and whats I need a therapist that gets me.

I think another reason I don't like this guy is because he thinks psychiatrists are glorified pill-pushers. As someone who knows people that have serious mental health disorders, these pill-pushers are the only people keeping them from hurting themselves or others. I should have walked out when he said that to me, but I avoid confrontation (it's one of the issues I'm working on (not that he would know that because he hasn't asked about my issues)).

I always wonder what it is in peoples' minds or hearts that just makes them change (for the better of course). I've seen and heard the stories (insert life altering experience: it happened when I went to Kohl's and I realized they no longer carried my size or it happened when I went to a restaurant and realized I couldn't fit in the booth.). I've heard the stories, but I still don't understand how their brain made them do a 180. If I can't fit in a particular stores clothes I find a store that does sell my size. At the restaurants I ask for a table instead of a booth. This is how I handle these situations, whereas other people use them as catalyst to make the necessary changes in their lives to be healthier and live longer. Obviously I don't want my story to be a heart attack or finding out I have diabetes, but I wish I knew how these people developed and maintained determination and motivation to stick with their goals.

I hate being all talk.

Same Old

Every morning I wake up. I say this is the day. And then I go right back doing what I do. I envy people that can afford going to a controlled environment. $2300 for a stay at the Biggest Loser ranch for a week (per person), $5000 for a two week stay at Wellsprings Camp. That would be a great experience. I'm too ashamed to flaunt all this jelly on the tv. So trying out for Biggest Loser is out of the question. I watched a guy on Facebook lose 70lbs in 3months. No fat camp. No gym membership. Just a desire to be fit and the motivation to follow through. One of these days, I'm going to wake up and say "today is the day" and mean it.

I'm the Bad Guy :-(

My wife and I can't be successful at losing weight because I find a way to sabotage it every week. My intentions on Monday always start out great but by Friday I just want to eat pizza and stay indoors. My food addiction is affecting my wife and that's not fair to her. Now, yes she can easily say no and not eat the bad food, so she has some responsibility and accountability, but let's be honest, if there is a piping hot pepperoni pizza being delivered, would you get up and fix an ice cold salad with slightly wilted romaine.

Here's where I think we will find success as a couple. Cooking together. I love cooking. But I don't love cooking and washing dishes after I've cooked. I'm not even kidding when I say I will not cook for days just to avoid washing dishes. I think if cooking didn't feel like this daunting task that only I was taking a part of I might not be so against it these days.

Not to say my baby doesn't cook lol...or offer to cook. There's just never enough time in the day.

I wanna be the good wife. I want to pack healthy lunches and not take the easy way out for dinner. I've seen people do it. I don't know where the hell they find the time and energy but I know it's possible. I bet if we canceled our cable we'd find time :-/ 

"So say good night to the bad guy." - Scarface