Motivation

There is this training that Track Shack (a local shoe store) does to help beginners learn to run properly. Its $75 for 10 weeks and by the end you should be able to run a 5k. I've been going back and forth about it and finally I decided yesterday that I will not be doing the paid training program. I'ma train my damn self. We have too much information that is available to us for free, that paying someone to teach me how to run 2 days a week sounds a little ridiculous. Plus I already purchased a book for $15 called The Non-Runner's Marathon Guide for Women. If that doesn't school me then I'm a lost cause.

So what will be my motivation to train and get healthy...I'm going to register for a 5K. I figure if I just do it, then that'll give me some accountability. It's a good goal to have I believe. I should probably focus on eating better first, but I'm taking it one goal at a time. :-)

Being Sick

Nothing can throw a monkey wrench into your healthy eating habits more than being sick. Especially when said sickness is a stomach virus and the doctor recommends the BRAT diet which is pretty much nothing but sugar and carbs. If you're not familiar with the BRAT diet it consists of Bananas, Rice (white), Applesauce, and Toast (white bread). Pretty much every vegetable and most dairy products are out of the question because they can exacerbate the bathroom issues that come along with a stomach virus.


But there is also a possibility I'm using this as an excuse to not follow the food plan I have. I'm sure I can start implementing my healthy food options back into my diet, but being sick means I can eat Mickey D's right? Cause I'm sick and too weak to make anything. It's so much easier to go through a drive thru. When you're sick, it's so much easier to forgive bad eating behaviors. As long as you are consuming food and not starving yourself. I've convinced myself of this, and it's not a good thing.

That's been my last week. I'm determined to get back on track this week and stop with the bullshit. Being sick made me take a food inventory. I think I was so obsessed with eating whatever I wanted because I was on this strict food plan, and then I still got a fucking stomach virus. So if eating healthy can make me sick...you get the picture. Anywho, I'm not going to use being sick as a crutch anymore. I'm better than that.

That's all... :-)

It's Monday

You know the day you say, "this is the day I start my diet." Then a week later it's back to the drawing board, and another monday comes. I have a different reason for kicking my ass in gear this monday though, last night my wife bought plane tickets. And unlike most of the trips we take, these flights were already packed (on one flight we nabbed the last two seats available). But there is a flight where we will be not be sitting together. She'll be sitting behind me. Which means I have to sit with both arm rests down and next to a total stranger and for a fattie like me, that is the pits. Plus I HATE flying...the only comfort is when I can sit next to my boo and she can hold my hand or kiss my cheek to let me know it's okay.

This fear of flying mixed with sitting next to a stranger has pushed me to start my journey to a healthy lifestyle. My flight is in 7 weeks so I'm not silly enough to think that in 7 weeks I'll be small enough to be comfortable in an airplane seat, but it's a step...maybe I won't need a seatbelt extender...maybe the armrest will not be as tight against my hip...maybe...

Also I've rejoined OA, and contrary to my first visit, I genuinely feel like I can benefit from this experience. My addiction with food is ridiculous. And the same way I look at alcoholics or druggies and think (why don't they just stop) I've never had the heart to say to myself. I get their struggle. The high, the urges, the pull that food has over me is overwhelming. I will stand in front of a vending machine for 15minutes talking myself in and out of getting a honey bun.That's just insane...so here's to hoping OA can help me get my mind right, and that I will have the motivation and determination to stick with this plan...

Thank you for listening.

I'm here!!

My dear friends have invited me to be part of their blog; I've just been too lazy/tired/busy to do any writing. Now that I've finished my bowl of ice cream, I think I've found the time.

I have been overweight all of my adult life. I was a skinny child and I can remember the first time someone ever made a comment about my weight. It was the summer after 3rd grade and I went to visit my grandmother in NYC. I came back to CA and the first thing my mother said when I got off the plane was "what has my mother been feeding you?!?" That was pretty much the beginning of the end.

It's been an uphill battle since that point. I could go on and on into my back story, but that is a discussion better saved for my therapist.

I will, however, tell you how I started on the road to change. Tomorrow.

Ch-ch-ch-changes

My wife and I had a heart to heart recently. It was one of those conversations where someone puts the metaphorical mirror in front of you and says look at...no really look at it. I have way more issues that go beyond my food addiction or maybe these issues are the reason I have a food addiction. So I see a shrink now to work on these outside issues and maybe get to what I believe is the core issue (food). It's been two sessions and I don't think I particularly like this guy. 1) He talks too much. I spend most of the session listening to him reminisce about his past and his accomplishments. 2) I don't know how comfortable I feel (this is going to come off sounding totally sexist and ageist) talking to an old black man about my issues. I feel like he won't understand.

I may be picky when it comes to therapists because I had a therapist in college that was sooooooo awesome. I wouldn't have made through my freshman year had it not been for her. Since then I've had one other therapist and she kept mixing me up with another client. That got old after a few meetings. But this guy...I can already tell it's not gonna work. I feel like to truly get to the bottom of my issues and figure the whys and whats I need a therapist that gets me.

I think another reason I don't like this guy is because he thinks psychiatrists are glorified pill-pushers. As someone who knows people that have serious mental health disorders, these pill-pushers are the only people keeping them from hurting themselves or others. I should have walked out when he said that to me, but I avoid confrontation (it's one of the issues I'm working on (not that he would know that because he hasn't asked about my issues)).

I always wonder what it is in peoples' minds or hearts that just makes them change (for the better of course). I've seen and heard the stories (insert life altering experience: it happened when I went to Kohl's and I realized they no longer carried my size or it happened when I went to a restaurant and realized I couldn't fit in the booth.). I've heard the stories, but I still don't understand how their brain made them do a 180. If I can't fit in a particular stores clothes I find a store that does sell my size. At the restaurants I ask for a table instead of a booth. This is how I handle these situations, whereas other people use them as catalyst to make the necessary changes in their lives to be healthier and live longer. Obviously I don't want my story to be a heart attack or finding out I have diabetes, but I wish I knew how these people developed and maintained determination and motivation to stick with their goals.

I hate being all talk.

Same Old

Every morning I wake up. I say this is the day. And then I go right back doing what I do. I envy people that can afford going to a controlled environment. $2300 for a stay at the Biggest Loser ranch for a week (per person), $5000 for a two week stay at Wellsprings Camp. That would be a great experience. I'm too ashamed to flaunt all this jelly on the tv. So trying out for Biggest Loser is out of the question. I watched a guy on Facebook lose 70lbs in 3months. No fat camp. No gym membership. Just a desire to be fit and the motivation to follow through. One of these days, I'm going to wake up and say "today is the day" and mean it.

I'm the Bad Guy :-(

My wife and I can't be successful at losing weight because I find a way to sabotage it every week. My intentions on Monday always start out great but by Friday I just want to eat pizza and stay indoors. My food addiction is affecting my wife and that's not fair to her. Now, yes she can easily say no and not eat the bad food, so she has some responsibility and accountability, but let's be honest, if there is a piping hot pepperoni pizza being delivered, would you get up and fix an ice cold salad with slightly wilted romaine.

Here's where I think we will find success as a couple. Cooking together. I love cooking. But I don't love cooking and washing dishes after I've cooked. I'm not even kidding when I say I will not cook for days just to avoid washing dishes. I think if cooking didn't feel like this daunting task that only I was taking a part of I might not be so against it these days.

Not to say my baby doesn't cook lol...or offer to cook. There's just never enough time in the day.

I wanna be the good wife. I want to pack healthy lunches and not take the easy way out for dinner. I've seen people do it. I don't know where the hell they find the time and energy but I know it's possible. I bet if we canceled our cable we'd find time :-/ 

"So say good night to the bad guy." - Scarface