Motivation

There is this training that Track Shack (a local shoe store) does to help beginners learn to run properly. Its $75 for 10 weeks and by the end you should be able to run a 5k. I've been going back and forth about it and finally I decided yesterday that I will not be doing the paid training program. I'ma train my damn self. We have too much information that is available to us for free, that paying someone to teach me how to run 2 days a week sounds a little ridiculous. Plus I already purchased a book for $15 called The Non-Runner's Marathon Guide for Women. If that doesn't school me then I'm a lost cause.

So what will be my motivation to train and get healthy...I'm going to register for a 5K. I figure if I just do it, then that'll give me some accountability. It's a good goal to have I believe. I should probably focus on eating better first, but I'm taking it one goal at a time. :-)

Being Sick

Nothing can throw a monkey wrench into your healthy eating habits more than being sick. Especially when said sickness is a stomach virus and the doctor recommends the BRAT diet which is pretty much nothing but sugar and carbs. If you're not familiar with the BRAT diet it consists of Bananas, Rice (white), Applesauce, and Toast (white bread). Pretty much every vegetable and most dairy products are out of the question because they can exacerbate the bathroom issues that come along with a stomach virus.


But there is also a possibility I'm using this as an excuse to not follow the food plan I have. I'm sure I can start implementing my healthy food options back into my diet, but being sick means I can eat Mickey D's right? Cause I'm sick and too weak to make anything. It's so much easier to go through a drive thru. When you're sick, it's so much easier to forgive bad eating behaviors. As long as you are consuming food and not starving yourself. I've convinced myself of this, and it's not a good thing.

That's been my last week. I'm determined to get back on track this week and stop with the bullshit. Being sick made me take a food inventory. I think I was so obsessed with eating whatever I wanted because I was on this strict food plan, and then I still got a fucking stomach virus. So if eating healthy can make me sick...you get the picture. Anywho, I'm not going to use being sick as a crutch anymore. I'm better than that.

That's all... :-)

It's Monday

You know the day you say, "this is the day I start my diet." Then a week later it's back to the drawing board, and another monday comes. I have a different reason for kicking my ass in gear this monday though, last night my wife bought plane tickets. And unlike most of the trips we take, these flights were already packed (on one flight we nabbed the last two seats available). But there is a flight where we will be not be sitting together. She'll be sitting behind me. Which means I have to sit with both arm rests down and next to a total stranger and for a fattie like me, that is the pits. Plus I HATE flying...the only comfort is when I can sit next to my boo and she can hold my hand or kiss my cheek to let me know it's okay.

This fear of flying mixed with sitting next to a stranger has pushed me to start my journey to a healthy lifestyle. My flight is in 7 weeks so I'm not silly enough to think that in 7 weeks I'll be small enough to be comfortable in an airplane seat, but it's a step...maybe I won't need a seatbelt extender...maybe the armrest will not be as tight against my hip...maybe...

Also I've rejoined OA, and contrary to my first visit, I genuinely feel like I can benefit from this experience. My addiction with food is ridiculous. And the same way I look at alcoholics or druggies and think (why don't they just stop) I've never had the heart to say to myself. I get their struggle. The high, the urges, the pull that food has over me is overwhelming. I will stand in front of a vending machine for 15minutes talking myself in and out of getting a honey bun.That's just insane...so here's to hoping OA can help me get my mind right, and that I will have the motivation and determination to stick with this plan...

Thank you for listening.

I'm here!!

My dear friends have invited me to be part of their blog; I've just been too lazy/tired/busy to do any writing. Now that I've finished my bowl of ice cream, I think I've found the time.

I have been overweight all of my adult life. I was a skinny child and I can remember the first time someone ever made a comment about my weight. It was the summer after 3rd grade and I went to visit my grandmother in NYC. I came back to CA and the first thing my mother said when I got off the plane was "what has my mother been feeding you?!?" That was pretty much the beginning of the end.

It's been an uphill battle since that point. I could go on and on into my back story, but that is a discussion better saved for my therapist.

I will, however, tell you how I started on the road to change. Tomorrow.

Ch-ch-ch-changes

My wife and I had a heart to heart recently. It was one of those conversations where someone puts the metaphorical mirror in front of you and says look at...no really look at it. I have way more issues that go beyond my food addiction or maybe these issues are the reason I have a food addiction. So I see a shrink now to work on these outside issues and maybe get to what I believe is the core issue (food). It's been two sessions and I don't think I particularly like this guy. 1) He talks too much. I spend most of the session listening to him reminisce about his past and his accomplishments. 2) I don't know how comfortable I feel (this is going to come off sounding totally sexist and ageist) talking to an old black man about my issues. I feel like he won't understand.

I may be picky when it comes to therapists because I had a therapist in college that was sooooooo awesome. I wouldn't have made through my freshman year had it not been for her. Since then I've had one other therapist and she kept mixing me up with another client. That got old after a few meetings. But this guy...I can already tell it's not gonna work. I feel like to truly get to the bottom of my issues and figure the whys and whats I need a therapist that gets me.

I think another reason I don't like this guy is because he thinks psychiatrists are glorified pill-pushers. As someone who knows people that have serious mental health disorders, these pill-pushers are the only people keeping them from hurting themselves or others. I should have walked out when he said that to me, but I avoid confrontation (it's one of the issues I'm working on (not that he would know that because he hasn't asked about my issues)).

I always wonder what it is in peoples' minds or hearts that just makes them change (for the better of course). I've seen and heard the stories (insert life altering experience: it happened when I went to Kohl's and I realized they no longer carried my size or it happened when I went to a restaurant and realized I couldn't fit in the booth.). I've heard the stories, but I still don't understand how their brain made them do a 180. If I can't fit in a particular stores clothes I find a store that does sell my size. At the restaurants I ask for a table instead of a booth. This is how I handle these situations, whereas other people use them as catalyst to make the necessary changes in their lives to be healthier and live longer. Obviously I don't want my story to be a heart attack or finding out I have diabetes, but I wish I knew how these people developed and maintained determination and motivation to stick with their goals.

I hate being all talk.

Same Old

Every morning I wake up. I say this is the day. And then I go right back doing what I do. I envy people that can afford going to a controlled environment. $2300 for a stay at the Biggest Loser ranch for a week (per person), $5000 for a two week stay at Wellsprings Camp. That would be a great experience. I'm too ashamed to flaunt all this jelly on the tv. So trying out for Biggest Loser is out of the question. I watched a guy on Facebook lose 70lbs in 3months. No fat camp. No gym membership. Just a desire to be fit and the motivation to follow through. One of these days, I'm going to wake up and say "today is the day" and mean it.

I'm the Bad Guy :-(

My wife and I can't be successful at losing weight because I find a way to sabotage it every week. My intentions on Monday always start out great but by Friday I just want to eat pizza and stay indoors. My food addiction is affecting my wife and that's not fair to her. Now, yes she can easily say no and not eat the bad food, so she has some responsibility and accountability, but let's be honest, if there is a piping hot pepperoni pizza being delivered, would you get up and fix an ice cold salad with slightly wilted romaine.

Here's where I think we will find success as a couple. Cooking together. I love cooking. But I don't love cooking and washing dishes after I've cooked. I'm not even kidding when I say I will not cook for days just to avoid washing dishes. I think if cooking didn't feel like this daunting task that only I was taking a part of I might not be so against it these days.

Not to say my baby doesn't cook lol...or offer to cook. There's just never enough time in the day.

I wanna be the good wife. I want to pack healthy lunches and not take the easy way out for dinner. I've seen people do it. I don't know where the hell they find the time and energy but I know it's possible. I bet if we canceled our cable we'd find time :-/ 

"So say good night to the bad guy." - Scarface

My Skinny List

As a rule of thumb its typically good to have a "clothing" goal in mind on the road to losing weight. Just like that Yoplait commercial where the girl hangs up her yellow polka dot bikini on the door and uses it for inspiration to lose weight. My clothing goal is a fitted graphic tee. Right now if I were to rock that my belly and boobs would stretch the graphic to the point of non-comprehension. I want people to be able to look at it and get it and not have to tell me to turn to the side so they can see the rest of it.

I also wanna rock a tie (must be the butch gay thing lol). I own a few, but when I wear them they stop at or above my belly button (and this is with it loose around my neck). I just want to wear a tie and have it look normal, and not like I'm an adult rocking a kiddie tie.

I've mentioned this before but I wanna be able to tuck my shirt in.

I want to run a marathon too. I even bought a book about how to train for it.

I wanna fly...anywhere. The day I can fit comfortably in an airplane seat will be the day!

I want to buy normal sized bras from normal places. If you can only shop for your bras online because nobody carries your bra size (not even Lane Bryant) there is a problem.

Its no fun being fat. Its no fun going to restaurants and sizing up the booth wondering if you will fit comfortably. Its no fun being kicked off a theme park ride because the safety bar won't come down all the way. I just want to be able to move through life comfortably.

So those are my skinny aspirations :-)

There is a reason the first 3 letters of Diet is DIE!

Here's my thing with diets or the art of dieting that always destroys my hope and my momentum....I hate monotony when it comes to food. This is the reason most guys are so much better at losing weight than us ladies. They can eat egg whites and spinach everyday for 3 months. They can eat salads with chicken on top every day and not want to gouge their eyes out by week 2. Guys love routine. They have something in their brains that make it okay for them to adjust to this new lifestyle. To quote Ricky Gervais "Ya hate it, cause it boring, but you know you have to do it, so you do it." Oh Mr.Gervais if only it were that easy.

So I became the queen of meal plans. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner I had down. Things start to go great until about halfway through the week, when I don't feel like cooking anymore. This throws off the entire meal plan because on Thursday we are suppose to have leftovers from Wednesday. See my dilemma. Then my beautiful wife says, "instead of making meal plans, why don't we plan our meals around proteins or a particular dish and go from there. Mondays =fish, Tuesday= taco night or mexican, Wednesday= pasta, Thursday = chicken, friday = dine out, Saturday = fish, sunday = vegetarian. This sounded like an awesome plan, but then it got too monotonous. I officially lost interest when I baked chicken a week ago. I didn't want to eat chicken. But it was thursday, so I baked it anyway. Now I've lost interest in this new plan and the cycle continues.

Today I'm going to try something new. I'm going to make a meal plan where I can cook more than one dish a night. Hopefully by removing the burden of making 3 meals a day for 7 days straight it will help me get into a routine. I've actually heard of people that make all their meals for the week on Sunday. I'm not that motivated. But doubling up on dishes once or twice a week doesn't sound bad at all.

Move Your Feet Too

So my issues with exercise are pretty much the same. I prefer to exercise in the morning. It feels good to start my day of right, however I have little desire to wake up before the sun rises to get on the treadmill that evidently wakes everyone up (we have wood floors). I am also not a fan of walking/riding my bike in the dark; so that leaves me with an after work exercise regimen.

Most days I am out of work by 4pm on average (some days 8pm on paperwork week). Plenty of time you say right? Honestly yes it is and my drive home is spent on plotting the great walk that will happen as soon as I get home. When I get there (after a 45 min commute), I realize I haven't eaten since 12pm (if at all) due to the non-stop parade of clients I had during the day and eating in front of them is not really an option (not to mention the 5 mins I get in between sessions is usually set aside to pee). So I find and eat a snack and at 5:30pm I'm ready to change. Oops got to let the dog out first. Next, I set out to change into my no matter what I do they ride up apparel and realize how damn tired I am and how exhausting it is to be a cheerleader for the mentally ill. It is now 5:45 and I just wish I can sit down and just breathe, but soon prep for dinner will start (and bedtime is in 4 hours) so I need to get to it. "It's only 30 mins" I tell myself "don't be a slacker!" This I'm thinking as I plot to just get up early tomorrow and work out in the morning.

My Truth

I've always been chubby. ALWAYS. As a kid I just thought it was gonna happen regardless because my mother is overweight. When you take that and add in the fact that we ate out more than anybody ever should probably didn't help. I've tried many diets (slim fast & Tim Ferriss' just to name a few). Both diets worked, but the former was too expensive and the latter was too restrictive. So after 3 months of dieting and 24lbs down...I gave up...and gained it all back.

I hear this is a common reaction...And because I hate commonality I'm trying something a little different. Fuck the diets and the fads. I'm making a lifestyle change. No fast food...no soda...no junk food...small steps, but fucking painful when you use to live off of McDonald's for breakfast, Burger King for lunch and Popeye's for dinner. Too many people in my family suffer from high blood pressure. high cholesterol, and heart disease. At the age of 37 my aunt had a stroke. My paternal grandfather died from complications to a stroke. My dad and his mom both suffer from diabetes. Are the odds against me...yeah. But I'll be damn if I give in to these diseases willingly.

I want to lose weight for so many reasons. For starters my boobs are gigantic and I'm afraid to go under the knife. I've always wanted to rock graphic tees but I feel like the print doesn't look as cool across size H breasts. I hate that my thighs rub together. I want to walk up the stairs and not be out of breath when I get to the 2nd landing. I don't want to have to size up the damn booths at restaurants to see if I will fit (that should have been number 1). I know being smaller doesn't bring instant happiness, but being able to fit comfortably in a regular pair of jeans is good enough :-).

Move Your Feet

I haven't fooled myself into thinking I would wake up one day and be thin.I stopped that fantasy when I was 17. But one thing I know I have to do is start moving. I'm envious of people with loads of free time, because working out doesn't have to be squeezed in between a 9hr job, cooking dinner, eating dinner, and preparing for the next day. When I get home at 5:30pm the last thing I want to do is hop on the treadmill or go for a walk outside. This is my downfall. Struggling to make time. I know it's possible. I've seen people do it. I just have to make a schedule and stick with it, rain or shine.

Out Loud

Self-Esteem: a person 's overall evaluation or appraisal of his or her own worth. Self-esteem encompasses beliefs and emotions such as triumph, despair, pride and shame.

As a therapist (mental health), I frequently speak on this topic, specifically as it pertains to women. I tell them that there is no law or book that says we (women) have to be all sacrificing, perfect, never-ending caretakers. That believing in the unrealistic, money driven images we are constantly bombarded with will keep us feeling trapped, damaged, and unworthy. I go on to teach that often our "standards" are often based on an ideal that is not real and since perfection is impossible we will surely fail chasing it (often killing ourselves in the process). The trick is to eject the tape that repeats the unhealthy mantras that we were taught (I'm fat, I'm not good enough, I'm weak) and replace it with the truth (I'm more then good enough, I'm growing, I'm capable of meeting my goal).

Each time I speak it out loud I am strengthen. The challenge is to not silence my own voice.

Just say no.

I'm a food addict to my core. My weakness is fast food. I literally will stop at Mickey d's and get a double cheeseburger on my way to eat dinner somewhere else. I tell myself this is the last time. But the shit is like crack. I tried to go to OA and it just didn't feel right. I understood the struggle that all these people were going through but i feel like my addiction isn't about quantity it's about quality. I eat bad foods. Or maybe it is quantity and i'm just in denial. I want to be better. I don't want food to have this kind of power over me. But unlike other addictions I can't stop eating. Crackheads can stop taking crack. Alcoholics can stop drinking alcohol. But I have to eat to live.

I guess I have to learn to just say no.

A little back story...

I've always considered myself to be fat, though looking back at childhood picks maybe my inner critic was a bit harsh (jury is still out on this one). What trips me out was I was an active kid; always outside on a bike, on roller skates, in a pool, or jumping double dutch. Most days I downed my cereal and was out the door until dinner time, then out again until the street lights came on. My mom was a diabetic so junk food/fast food did not make a regular appearance at my house. Snacks consisted of fruit, milk, and your gonna ruin your appetite so wait for dinner.

My high school and college years were spent working full time, school full time, jumping on and off public transit and running behind a very active toddler. I viewed food as a luxury that I found difficult to find time or money for so I stuck to the bare essentials. Eating out or junk food were also not an option. My weight during this time was still much higher then average. During grad school I started to work out. My friend would sneak me into her school's gym and I would bust my ass 5 days a week for about 2 hours. I saw results, dropping at a nice 162 down from 208. At 5'5" this is still fat according to the pantie hose chart and not ideal to the medical folk either, but I was feeling good.

Since I've finshied grad school (10 years ago) I have gained 113 pounds; far beyond the 208 I thought was so disgusting. This brings me shame and guilt daily. Some days are extra grim when I wake feeling like I'm still the girl who was 162 and look in the mirrior to find that I am not.

My goal right now is not yet a number or goal weight. It is to gain my self respect back.

Allow me to re-introduce myself....

I try to tell myself that this is not my life. That this is not real. But alas, I have to give in and face the fat. So far I am not doing a good job at being healthy...but tomorrow is a new day. I went grocery shopping today and purchased healthy food. And not healthy food. Or maybe it was semi-healthy. Weight Watchers (from here on referred to as WW) has me believing I can eat whatever the hell I want, as long as I don't go over my points. Oreos? Check. Fruit snacks? Check. My wife looked at me with disapproving eyes, but hey this diet isn't about what we can't eat.

Saturday is my birthday. But I won't be celebrating it at Texas de Brazil like I'd hoped. Not because of WW though, I have a toothache. And the right side of my face feels like hell. So, seeing as I can't chew food like a grown-up anymore, all you can eat steak is definitely not an option. Maybe it's a blessing in disguise. But I do hope I can at least go to a restaurant and get a bowl of soup for my b-day :-/

I'm so scatter brained. This blog post went in a totally different direction than what I was going for with the title. I'm a fatty. I'm 27 and I work at a University were I also received my undergrad degree. I'm a lesbian, so if you're not down with gays, please hit Stumble. I'm married, and we have the sweetest dog ever. I want to lose weight so I can live as long as I can with my wife. I want us to be active and healthy together. I want to be a sexy butch and it's tough when you have to wear men's big and tall. And not because you're tall. I want to tuck my shirts in my pants...some of will appreciate that, some of you won't but seriously there is something fascinating about tucking.

This is me. All of me. I don't know what will happen through this blog, but I want to share my experience.

Peace 

It's a New Dawn

I'm trying this again...hopefully this time it's going to last. This is my 3rd blog regarding my desire to lose weight. I quit the other two, just like I quit all the diets, and exercise regimens that I don't like or aren't determined enough to stick with. What makes this time different? This time my wife is by side. Not only is she a part of the journey as far losing weight and becoming healthy is concerned, but she will also be writing on this blog as well.

We joined weight watchers, last week, but haven't gone through the process of cleaning out our kitchen and starting anew. I'm hoping this blog will be an outlet for us to not only talk about our struggle, but also our hopes and dreams, and maybe seeing it print will give us accountability and stability.

There you have it.

Peace